Well, I haven't posted in a while due to my having some serious mood swings and feeling generally depressed, but now I'm feeling better! 

( :D )

School started last week.  Work started a week ago.  I'm so busy I have no real time for anything other than eating, sleeping, bathing, and work/school/transit.

A girl from my Environmental Biology class wanted to get together to study for a map quiz we have.  Which is awesome!  I would love an excuse to do anything, and I do really need to study for that!  But!  She tried calling me while I was working.  And I didn't recognize her phone number until about 12am when I was at home.  To be fair, I told her I worked nights, but...  I tried calling her this morning at 9 something, got her machine, and left a message on a whim that basically said "Hi, this is cujochan from your Biology class.  I think you tried calling me last night while I was at work and I didn't get home until pretty late so I'm just trying to call you back and if you could just call me back when you get a chance that'd be great.  Thanks, bye."  *slams head repeatedly into desk*  I am now angsting about that phone message.  A lot.  And I shouldn't be!!  But, when she called me last night she didn't leave a message which is part of why I didn't call back right away or know who it was.  But but but!!!  I dunno.  This whole phone tag thing always makes me feel kinda sick.  I hope things work out so we can study.  Because this girl was super nice to me and lent me a giant clip thingy since I had forgotten to staple my paper, so I wanna pay her back for being so awesomely wonderfully nice.


I'll probably write more later, I just wanted to vent my stress and put off doing my homework a little while longer and OH CRAP I HAVE TO MEMORIZE SOMETHING BY 2PM TODAY!!!!!!!  *runs off to study and do homework*

Not really sure where to start...  Everything is changing right now and I really don't like it.  I think my interests might be changing, which I'm never comfortable with, especially if I notice, my friends' interests are changing, which scares me since right now it feels like those are all that really tie us together, my friends are going to move away very shortly, I'm going to start college and my first job soon, and everything is happening at once and it terrifies me.  My birthday is also coming up, which freaks me out every year.  I've always had trouble with changing schools, so I knew I'd have trouble this time around too, but coupled with my friends moving away I think that this is the worst one so far.  I'll admit that it has made me cry on a few occasions, and that right now I just really want it to go back to how it was during high school.  I hate how it makes me feel, it's like how during the school year when I got worried or stressed I started having trouble breathing, but right now it doesn't feel like I can do anything to fix it.  And I also hate how I don't say anything about it.  I can act like everything is fine when I'm talking to my friends, but the second they can't see or hear me it smacks me again.  I feel like saying something about it to them, but can't think of how...  I know my sister knows about it, since she's seen it before, but I'm not sure if she even gets the extent of it.  It bothers me!!  Shit I'm scared.  I'm afraid of growing apart from my friends, my interests changing, losing people I care about, and just the future in general.  And I hate how I'm also kind of maybe depressed.  This really isn't a fun combination, and I'm not sure what to do about it other than try to sit it out....  And then I'm worried that if I try to sit it out things will just turn out like I fear and then it'll suck again.  I've been trying not to think too far ahead, since that just sets me off.  Actually, what seems to work is me expressing my escapism and watching stuff, playing video games, and being around people as much as possible.  My dog also helps.  She always helps.  She's just so cute and fluffy!!!  I love my dog!! 

I feel a bit better now, I think I needed to get that out of my system.  Anyway, this summer has been good otherwise, I've actually gotten stuff done that I've been meaning to do!  I just have two more big to dos and I should be okay.  I need to order textbooks soon, since I have about 1.5 weeks until school starts.  School is gonna be interesting, but since it's school probably tiring.  I'm really not looking forward to homework.  Oddly enough, I'm looking forward to my job starting...  I think it's because it is new and involves me getting money.  I like money.  Oh! I have enough money for a PSP, but I'm kind of holding back on getting one because having money makes me stingy.  My cousins came and visited, which was awesome and fun, but also exhausting.  I got basically no sleep.  I wound up being a Teacher's Aide for all of July, which was fun, yet also tiring.  A lot of things are tiring for me.  I should try to get more sleep, and exercise more.  I really should exercise more, I need to lose some weight.  Ah, I feel much better now!  Yay for blogging and forcing yourself to cheer up!  I think I'm still kinda sad feeling, but it should be better eventually. I think I'm gonna try to beat my Final Fantasy games.  Since I've never beaten one, and I feel like a loser for not having beaten them...  But, I really like my finally getting stuff done!  It makes me feel all special!

Wow.  I've been on break for almost 2 weeks technically, but it didn't feel like it had started until after my grad. party.  So now it appears that I'm finally turning myself nocturnal again.  :D?

My grad party was okay, I almost basically doubled my life savings (which thinking about it is very very sad).  All of my mom's siblings came, and some of my parents' friends too.  Which was nice.  I actually really like my parents' siblings and friends.  My uncle brought his girlfriend to it, and she's super nice and I love her loads, but since his sisters (aside from my mom) had never met her, they introduced themselves, and I think they sounded really bitchy when they did.  At least she's heard some of our many stories about them from us, so I think she knew around what to expect.  Otherwise I think people behaved fairly well, aside from my aunt B being a bitch and completely ignoring Al, and then being weird about sunlight touching her (to which someone (I've forgotten who...) made an awesome crack about her being a vampire).  I got to see some people I haven't seen in what feels like forever.  And I got shrimp toast and cake, which are SO fucking delicious!!!!  I seriously didn't care about the rest of the food, I just knew I wanted shrimp toast and cake.  Most of it was outside, but the food was inside (because of bugs), so for the first part I just kind of hovered around inside snacking with Al and our cousin....  We eventually went outside and I talked to people, but the food was super appealing....  (too lazy to write it out in detail, it's too late for that...)

So many things I technically should do that I'm putting off due to laziness....  I should really stop that.  I should also go to bed soon. 


(Why the heck isn't there a drowsy mood?)

Well, a few days ago it sounded like my dad's dad was going to die.  Now it sounds like he's gonna be fine.  Which I suppose is good. 

Anyway, other things.  I don't feel like talking about that complex relationship.  My mom's younger sister called today to RSVP for my graduation party.  She wound up talking to me (or at me, depending on how you look at it) for almost an hour about how I should keep my options open for a major, and definitely look into Biology (since I'm still interested in animal biology).  She told me that I should talk to people about jobs I might be able to get with different majors, and basically made me start to question all the decisions I'd made all over again.  I mean, I get where she's coming from, and I think she made a good point, but the thing is, there are so many different things that I might want to do that I was happy to have finally made headway towards a decision.  Now, I'm wondering about all of that.  And trying to think of possible ways I could combine a language and science major.  I'm kind of coming up blank.  See, now this is all stuff I had thought over around 6 months to a year ago.  *sigh* I guess I'll take her suggestions, which although kind of odd, were wise, and try to keep them in mind.  Though, she's the aunt most of us think of as a nutter.  I mean, she did make some good points though, so I wont completely discount her advice.  I guess I need to try to take all of the advice I get from family members while taking into account my and others opinions about them, then make my own decisions on what to listen to and what to discount.  It's just that she talked so long.  It was interesting, but I'm always kind of uncomfortable talking to her, especially on the phone.  Whatever.  She's coming to my grad party, that was the main point... I think....

Al and I cleaned the backroom yesterday.  Well, we started.  It's still somewhere around halfway.  There are a bunch of piles and trash bags.  I need to finish.  The open this computer and get all the dust out.  God there's a lot of dust.  And I need to vacuum. 

I'm bored.  Very very very bored.  I've been rereading this series on werecats to keep me from being bored.  It isn't doing much.  I don't really know what I want.  I hate that.  I've still gotta practice guitar tonight.  And exercise.  And I should do more cleaning.  Fuck it, I ain't doin' anything important tomorrow, I can just do whatever I want all night.  Also, I found my gameboy :)  I'd been looking for it for a while.  Turns out it was in a plastic bag on a chair in a pile of stuff back here.  I also need to do my college stuff.  Really need to do that college stuff.

I'm bored, again.  This seems to be happening far too much lately.  There was nothing on TV that I wanted to watch so I came back here.  I watched what I think was the last episode of Dollhouse on Hulu, which was awesome!  And then I tried to read more of the book that I'm rereading since I can't afford the most recent addition to its series, but that didn't help with the boredom.  So now I'm wandering around online.  I'm considering throwing some applications at some places, but I don't know if I want to bother or feel like it.  The aiding at an elementary school still sounds incredibly appealing, since it only requires me to commit for half day school weeks during the month of July. 

My graduation party is Sunday.  I can't say I'm really looking forward to it.  I don't really like parties....  Though I do like getting things....  I'm mainly waiting for my parents' gift to me.  It will be shiny and new and pretty and portable and I will love it and probably give it a stupid name.  Plus it might come with other shiny free things that I should get to keep since my current version of them is ready to die any moment.  And then I can pimp my gift.  By using some of the money I get for other things.  And then I can feel all special and snazzy!  Which reminds me, I kind of want to clean my actual bed room, move the keyboard Al currently has blocking the door to it (my actual bedroom is me and Al's rooms closet, well, Al's room's, we used to share.... the only door in and out of my part is in Al's room.  And there are no windows or forms of ventilation or heating.... it kinda sucks a little bit, but I shall make it shiny!), steal back my comforter, and take up residence there again.  Perhaps I should explain, for the past few years I've slept on the couch in the computer room (which is technically a bedroom, and does indeed have a door that closes and leads to a hallway!), not my bedroom.  I completed the first of god knows how many stages to my moving myself back up there.  The first stage was getting all of my clothes out of the dresser I have up there.  Now, I just need to get all my clothes off the laundry pile, sort through the giant pile of clothes, throw out what doesn't fit or I wont wear, then organize the clothes I will keep, move them back into the dresser, then go through all the other crap in my bedroom (books, stuffed animals, dvds, video games, etc.) while incorporating all the crap I have laying around down here into it, possibly rearrange the furniture, clean the bedroom, and then once it is all in the proper order that I want it in, go back up there.  Then once I get my shiny gift (and perhaps some form of heating/cooling up there), I can just hang there!  Except when I want to eat.  I agree with Al on the no food up there.  Or when I want to watch TV.  See, I look forward to that.  And to pimping things.  And to possibly scoring a really low coffee table to put up there so I can have some form of a desk.  I also need more bookshelf space.

Another thing I'm doing to fend off boredom is looking into things for my trip to Japan that is still merely in the planning stages and is still very tentative, but that I hope to be able to have!  I'm mainly checking out plane fair and places I might go, but it's still somewhat amusing.

I practiced guitar yesterday.  I'm happy to say that I can play 5 chords!  They are, C, G7, D7, G, and Em!  I can also figure out the first few notes on each string...  Yeah, but I need to practice more, get some songs down, and then be badass.  I can't practice flute because I still have a bit of a cold (stuffed up nose≠playing flute well), but I really want to.  I need to exercise today too.  Just because I do and it makes me feel good.  I was watching the Kathy Griffin show today, and there some interesting thing about her staff having a dream board or something based off a book (which I now want to look into), wher if you put something up on the dream board it would eventually come true.  So, now I kind of want to try it just to see if it works, so I'm kind of planning on buying a corkboard sometime down the line.  I mean, I know not all of my dreams or hopes will come true, but if just some of them did, it'd be awesome.  Besides, corkboard can be useful. 

( Random tangent on my beliefs about the afterlife..... )

Okay, right.  You can just ignore that paragraph.  I'm leaving it there for myself.  Also because I'm too lazy to delete it.  But... yeah.  Not sure how to continue from that....   Uh....  I still need to do those setting up things with the college I'm going to next year.  I also need to clean this week.  And I got invited to a bunch of grad. parties, but since I missed/am going to miss the main ones I wanted to go to, I don't know if I want to go to the other ones I was invited to.  I suppose I should try if I can.  It's only polite.  Even if I'm not inviting anyone else to my party.  But, that's mainly because I dislike parties.  Well, I like small parites, where I know everyone.  I don't like the big ones.  I think it relates back to when my mom held retirement parties here for other teachers and I couldn't find her and got kind of lost in all the people and they scared me....  Or it's just my not being and extrovert.  Which I am trying to at least suppress.  I like doing things, but my current lack of money really is bringing me down (I haven't not had at least $20 for over a year), and making me not want to go out.  Because when I go out I see shiny things.  Shiny things that I kind of want, which I would be able to resist even with money, but knowing that I could afford the shiny was nice, it made me feel all special.  Now I can't even afford gum.  Though, I work on Saturday!  Which means I get money!  Then I can pay back my dad, and provided I get money on Sunday for my graduation party, I should be able to buy Al a birthday present!!  And then after I've gotten that, I need to get a Father's Day present for my dad.  Even though he pisses me off I still love him.  After I insulted frisbee golf earlier today by calling it a lame hippie sport (he's considering playing it sometime), he said my watching "Japanese game shows" was lame.  I'm going to be fair.  I don't watch many game shows.  And I'm sorry, but how is that lame?  It's a game show.  Everyone knows Japan has some of the most insane/entertaining ones!  (like that one with the chicks with the meat strapped to their heads and the moniter lizards, hilarious!)  I mainly watch talk shows and music shows.  And dramas.  You think he'd get that, but he apparently doesn't...  Ah well.  I still think all the news he watches is insane.  Part of me wishes he'd go back to the obsession with the History Channel, at least that was easy to talk with him about.  And I could just sit and watch one of the documentaries with him without getting too bored out of my skull.  Now he watches MSNBC.  Constantly.  The channel is on a constant loop!!!  Recycled information!!!  The History Channel had more variation!  I don't get how he stands it!!!!!!!  Oh well, I'm still willing to go pop in at random just so I can hang with him.  I'm trying to get him to watch a movie with me.  It's turned harder and harder as I've gotten older.  Which sucks, since I really like watching my old horror flicks with him.  He annoys me a lot, but he's still pretty cool.  In fact, I think now I'm going to go see what he's watching, since even MSNBC would entertain me at this point.

( Written on June 5th )
*is less depressed today*  Yeah, everything above this was written yesterday...  I'm still sick, and I wound up not going to any grad parties today because I felt too blah.  I'm actually only really awake because I can't breathe in my sleep (my nose is too stuffed up, then my mouth gets dried out and I wake up super dehydrated), my muscles and neck and ears hurt.  I took a hot shower to try to clear out my nose, and that kind of helped, but I still would like it just to go away.  The coughing has started to subside at least.  I've decided if this doesn't go away or get better within a week that I'm going to go see a doctor.  Oh, it is officially summer for me now!  Which means I can do my own shit!  Yay!  I exercised today, partly to see if that would help with the sick, but it felt nice to actually move around.  I've been drinking tea like crazy and slept for almost twelve hours last night, waking up only to drink water and take more medicine.  Hey!  It's time for me to take more meds now!!  I want soup...  We're out of soup....  I think I'm going to aide at the school my mom works at for summer school, since it sounds like Shino isn't going to contact that guy, and since I have a job near the end of August (:D) I feel like being paranoid and just doing something that only takes up a month and counts toward exerperience, yet earns me no $.  Ugh, my nose is draining down my throat, so my mouth tastes horrible, plus I think my tongue got a bit chapped while I was sleeping, so it kinda hurts.  I hate being sick during the summer!!!!  I think I had more to say, but I forgot, I'm too lazy to read over this, so yeah, deal with it.

( I really should start on that... )

Thanks to our going over the music for West Side Story in Band yesterday I've had "Maria" stuck in my head since 1:30pm yesterday!  ARGH!!!!  Also, they did senior check-ins for me yesterday.  No really good question was asked, though my teacher did have me say "Where is the bathroom?" in Japanese when he heard I wanted to be a translator, and a little later he asked me to say "The drugs are on the boat."  XD  I told him I couldn't, mainly because I completely blanked on how to say boat, but it was so random.  He had been asking me if I wanted to translate for the FBI or CIA, so I guess it was kind of relevent according to his tangent.  When they asked me what my favorite song to listen to the trumpet part from "Can't take my eyes off you" popped into my head, and since I couldn't pick 1 Arashi song (or one any other group's/artist's song either for that matter), I said that (since it is awesome and fun to listen, and I generally always like to hear it).

( Summer(s) )

( College things )


( My adventure to the zoo yesterday )


Today is my doggie's birthday :)  She saw me roll over while half asleep and decided "Oh, you're awake!"  So she then proceeded to pester me until I got up and let her out.  She's been super happy and hyper all day, it's adorable.  I played fetch with her for a while and she didn't want to stop, I finally decided she was done when she wouldn't give me the ball and just lied down because she was so tired of running.  She might be a jerk sometimes, but I really love that puppy.  She's also been really skiddish all day, she started barking at a toddler and its parent that were walking around near our house.  I said I'd give her a bath, but I think that that might have to wait until tomorrow, since it is now 10pm and if I do it now she'll be wet until 3am...

I have 6 days of school left, and already it feels like summer.  Today feels like a Sunday, even though it's Saturday, and I have Monday off.

( Why!? )

( There was a surprise Auditorium )

( Social Studies )

( Happy to somewhat reflective thoughts. )

Huzzah for figuring out Rich text format!  Look italics!

I'm at my dad's work volunteering. Basically there isn't much I can do, so while they wait for someone to show up so I can laminate some things, I'm surfing the net and waiting. It's kinda fun. So far, they had me staple a picture to a board, and try to print something. So... Yeah.

When I get home I need to do homework, or sleep. Yay. I took my AP Calc test yesterday, which I think I got a 1 on, since it just kind of felt like I was able to answer too many. The writing part I think I totally bombed it. I'm just glad that its done. We get a pizza party next friday in that class, I'm really looking forward to that.

I really need to get my homework for Chinese Arts and Culture done. I have no idea when I'm going to have time for it though. I'm thinking tomorrow night and morning. British Literature I need to do a webpage for again, and I don't think I'm going to start until Saturday–which is the day that it is due. My Japanese homework I'm going to try to finish during my free hours at high school. I'm hoping that I'll be able to finish it all by Monday, because on Monday we're having class just to get our homework done, so then I'm thinking that if I have it all done, I wont have to stay for class! Then I can go home and sleep or study for the final or do other homework or something. I'm just looking forward to June 5th. Which is the day after I graduate. I plan on sleeping in and playing video games. It will be awesome and winful. I also need to do my Physics and French at some point. Shoot. I knew I should have brought some homework here with me.

I got in to a college!! I got my acceptance letter when I got home today! God its such a huge relief to know I have somewhere to go next year! Also, this one actually has a Japanese 2 course! Which the one I'm at for PSEO does not. I plan on going to this one, getting all my Freshman year credits filled out, then transferring to the state college. It is apparently WAY easier to transfer in than to get in right out of high school. But, I dunno I might try for a few other colleges, like Hawaii. Hawaii would be boss.

I hope I can get a job this summer. I really need to start earning some cash so I can buy more books and CDs and such. I also hope I can get my driver's license this summer. Then I want to get a car, so my parents wont have to juggle cars and I wont have to ride the bus to get to the college I'm going to. I'm ignoring the fact that everyone is ditching me next year, and just playing the same game as everyone else and thinking mainly of myself. Also, I want to take the JLPT next year, and since the nearest testing station is in Chicago, I want to take the train down and make a trip of it. I should look into that again and sign up soon. One of my really good friends is going to school down in Chicago, so I think I might also use that as an excuse to visit her.

I'm gonna go now, since I think I'm going to have to get off soon.

It is 3:30am and I can't fall asleep. Which sucks. I need to do homework in the morning, which wont really work out if I'm this tired. This is really annoying though, because I had been asleep, but then at about 1am I woke up, and I've tried everything to fall back asleep! I had a stuffed up nose, so I figured if I took some benedryll that would solve it, but that just made it so that one side of my nose was really easy to breathe out of, but the other wasn't. I tried opening the window, but that didn't help. And everything else didn't work. I really wanna go to sleep! I know that it's just because I'm so stressed, but I can't really do much about the stressful things unless I can get some sleep so I can be functioning when I try to tackle them. That's about it for what I wanna say. I think I'll either go try to get to sleep again, or just go watch some tv. Night!

Basically, yesterday was the day for everyone who actually got accepted to a college to make their final decision for where they're gonna go. Which means, just about everyone but me made a decision. Why didn't I? Because, I had nowhere to make a decision for. I got turned down at the colleges I applied to, and the community ones I just finished applying to yesterday, so I'm expecting some rejection letters anytime now. I really don't wanna think too positively about this, because that generally makes me feel worse once I find out that my hopes have been crushed, so I'm assuming I'm not gonna get in, then if by some miracle I do, I can feel really happy and good about myself. But, I'm really bummed. My two closest friends sound like they're going to be moving way the hell away. Well, only amanomakoto (shino) am I positive about, and she's fucking leaving the country. All of my friends from middle school sound like they're moving hella faraway too... Which doesn't hurt as much, since we've kind of drifted apart, but it still stings a lot. I dunno, it just makes me feel like shit. My best friend is leaving the country, and we had all these insane plans of awesomeness, and if she isn't within driving distance I have no idea how we'll ever accomplish them. And, I also don't know if we'll stay as close as we are right now, because I always let myself drift away from people... Also, I just feel like a giant failure, everyone I know is going off to do this awesome shit, and they all at least have some idea of what they're doing next year, but I have nothing. People keep asking me where I'm going to college next year, and I just respond with "I haven't decided yet." because I don't want to admit that I didn't get in anywhere and am screaming out in my head almost constantly "WHAT THE FUCK AM I GONNA DO!?!". My parents, my sister, and Shino keep telling me to not feel upset about it, but I can't. I have a serious fear of change and all of this shit is just really freaking me out. I don't like not being sure of what I'm gonna do next year, I don't like knowing that all of my friends are going to be miles and miles away, I don't like any of this. I try to act like I'm okay and know what I'm doing, but I'm really just throwing everything I can think of at a wall, and see what sticks. And right now, nothing is sticking. I hope that people at school can't tell how stressed out and upset about this I am, but I get the feeling a few of them can tell.

Everything for me is really unsure right now, and I hate it. I see everyone around me making all these big decisions, and being excited about it, and it feels like I'm just sitting in a corner smiling at them thinking "That's great!" and they don't even notice I'm there. I think I'm just being emo now... whatever, I feel like being emo.

Right, so, the French Field Day thing actually turned out pretty good. I got there at about 7:45, but it didn't start until 8:30, so as I was walking to the auditorium to sit and wait for a few hours, I ran into the German exchange student, B. So, he said he had heard there was a coffee place, and asked if I wanted to go with him, and I figured sure why not. We wound up wandering around for a while until we found a Starbucks, then we basically wandered around the campus until the thing was supposed to start. Then, we went and waited for our teacher to show up, and there had been some sort of scheduling mix-up or something, so B didn't get a little slip thing when everyone else did. I got mine, and it said that the things I had to do wouldn't finish until 1:10(which really annoyed me), but the teacher had B sit and wait for his. Everyone else in the class went into the auditorium to sit down, and I was gonna go, but B looked kinda worried/freaked out, so I asked if he wanted me to wait for him, and he said yeah. The teacher told him that he needed to do a class visit, but there was only one left, and there were two ticket dealies for it, and he didn't want to go alone (not that I can blame him), so I said I'd go with him (honestly, he's my favorite kid in that class, since he seems to have the same sort of attitude about the teacher as me, and isn't really a prep (he's a theater kid)). As luck would have it, the times for the thing I traded for to go with him on a class visit (which also involved less work for me to do) said that I would be done at 12! So I was very happy with my trade.

We sat through the intro auditorium thing, which was actually kind of interesting, then we went and did our class visit. The class was a French 1 class, and half way through the students convinced the teacher to let them go outside. It was actually kind of nice (not much thought involved, and the sun came out while we were out there). Then B and I walked back to where the stupid cafe thing was going to be. On our way back we got a bit turned around (lost), but we managed to walk to where some guys were handing out free Cokes and Sprites to encourage people to recycle, so we got free lukewarm pop! We had about 20 minutes before our scheduled time, so B and I wrote up our summary of what we did in the class visit, then just hung out with two of the other people from my class that I actually think are nice and okay. Then when we went inside we didn't feel like interviewing people, B also insisted that we could totally make something up for our interview thing and the teacher wouldn't know. We wound up talking to some chicks from Buffalo, and the said that their school's German exchange student was there too, so we went to talk to her. She was kind of weird, and when B tried to speak German with her, she kept on saying it was too hard...

We hung out at the cafe thing after it closed, managed to snag some food (though both our croissants kind of sucked, his had cream cheese and he didn't know/like that, and mine looked like it was strawberry but was actually raspberry), and some hot chocolate, which was about average for free hot chocolate. We both had to take the same bus to get to downtown so we could transfer, which was good because I hate waiting for the bus and then riding it alone. The buses for me seriously sucked though, it took an hour for me to get home.

I'm glad I got home before 2, because that means I have extra time to do some homework! Yay! I'm gonna try to get all caught up tonight, and then I'm gonna try to clean up a bit or something productive like that. Coming home earlier to a house with just the dog is so nice, the dog was super happy, and now its so quiet(the house, I'm pretty sure the dog just fell asleep in another room). I love my family and all, but I also love the time when nobody but me is here moving around (or when I'm the only one awake), it kind of helps you appreciate the time when the family is here, and at the same time gives you a break from being around people (which if my attitude for the past few weeks is any indicator I seriously needed). I should take advantage of this and go make some lunch then watch River Monsters, which I recorded Sunday night but haven't had a chance to watch yet. Then homework. My plans are forming!

Well, I'm at school, and even though it feels like hours upon hours have passed, I've only been here for an hour and a half. Open second hour is VERY boring. I would go outside and read, but I don't really feel like it, and it hasn't really been warm enough this hour yet. I don't really have anything to do, since people are talking just loud enough to distract me if I try to read or do homework. Which sucks, because I really need to get caught up. I'm almost up to date on my English readings, but I really need to get caught up in Chinese, which I can't do at school since the computers are so damn slow and they block SO MANY SITES. I honestly am surprised that I can even get on to livejournal still... I need to study Calculus too, but just haven't really gotten around to it. I'm kind of looking forward to tomorrow, since after I finish the stupid field day thing I have to go to I can just go home. I'm going to shoot for being done by 1, though if I could be done at 11 that would be ideal. The whole thing is just a waste of my time though, I have to leave about an hour early to get there (since I can't get a ride), then I have to walk around pretending I actually care enough about french to talk to these random adults who know way more about it than me, and then I have to spend an hour getting home because the buses to my side of town suck and take forever (I'm debating which route I should take, the one with the long walk but okay riders, or the one with the short walk but creepy riders). The main thing is, I do care about french, but I don't really care about your life. I'm only there because I have to be, and that basically means I don't really care about anything that goes on there. Hopefully there will be some people I actually kind of like in my group this time. Last time the people were okay, but I could tell that they didn't really want me around, since we're in different circles (they=preps, me=band/orchestra/theater kid group)and it just made me feel shitty. The teacher says there will be food and drink, but if it turns out to be anything like last time, that means there will be hot chocolate and chocolate croisants at a table that will be surrounded by people, so if I'm willing to fight for shitty instant cocoa and some croisants I don't really want... *low chocolate tolerance* I'm just looking forward to the getting home early part.

Next week they're gonna have L:the last name playing in a few theaters, so it sounds like I'm going to go see that with some friends. Unfortunately, even though Shino and I were planning on going to both showings, I just realized that the subbed one should be playing on a Wednesday night, which is when we have Japanese class, which means we wont be able to go. Damn it. I was really looking forward to seeing it subbed... Oh well, the dub should be pretty awesome too. The people they got for the Death Note series are actually pretty good, so I'm not too dissappointed. Though I am slightly tempted to skip class to go see it... Ah well. I haven't seen this one yet either (I was too lazy to find it...), so that should be fun.

School computers are very slow. Which annoys the hell outta me. I just want to be able to check my e-mail and look at my class stuff, but it takes like 10 minutes just to load the damn welcome page. Also, I can't download my homework assignments. I understand having downloads blocked and everything, but couldn't they have it set up so that I can download a frickn' assignment from a school website!? I should go try to read or something now.... But I don't feel like it, since I have most of tomorrow to do that, if I play my cards right, get lucky, and work fast. (all I need is an early time for the cafe thing and I'll be fine)

Today sucks. It was kind of okay when I woke up, but it has just been going down hill progressively. After going to clean my grandparents, I get home to find out that I got fucking waitlisted for the college I really wanted to go to. Fucking state college assholes. Then, I found out that my English teacher replied to my e-mail asking about what I should do for this group project that is due today that I totally forgot to join a group for, and don't want to join a group for, where she told me to just ask the kids and try to join the group. Do you know how much of an ASSHOLE that makes me feel like!? I'm basically gonna be trying to take credit for all of their hard work at the fucking LAST MINUTE! That is SO rude!!!! And I had told her in the fucking e-mail that I thought that that would be unfair to the other students. ARGH!!!! And then, I checked my grades at my highschool, cause I figured while I was getting bad news and crying I should get as much as I could at once, and stop prolonging the inevitable. I have an F in Physics, and an F- in Calc. Great. I also have a C+ in French. I just want to beat my head into a wall. And now, I have to go and act against my own beliefs and be a complete asshole, try to finish that book I was reading for the stupid group thing, try to write a midterm paper that is now around 2 weeks late, try to do all my late calc homework, apply to some other colleges, try to find a duet for my band class, and try not to start crying again. Thanks life.

Only good thing is I finally got some shoe inserts for my new shoes, so I can walk without having my feet hurt like hell. Also, I have an A in Band and an A- in Japanese. Which are the only 2 classes that really matter for any of my future goals. Also the lump on my abdomen is at least just my ribcage being oddly shaped, not anything horrible and dangerous.

I caught some sort of cold from a friend on Friday. She had been out all week with it, and came in for half the day. So, I've spent all weekend trying to get ride of it, to no avail. My throat is really sore, I can't sing for crap (which has really been bugging me), and I've done no homework. So, now I get to stay up really late trying to finish homework for tomorrow, and then attempt to drag my sick a** to school, make it through the day, then return home to do more work then pass out again. Perhaps I'll take the day off to try to recover more, since I had to skip cleaning my grandparents' this weekend and really don't wanna miss next weekend. I get the feeling this wont go away quickly though... I just hope it doesn't turn out to be strep, since that would really suck and involve a trip to the doctor's that I would rather not have to go through. I figure, sleep, fluids, copious amounts of vitamin C, and with some good luck I'll be rid of this by Friday.

Speaking of Friday, it's gonna be awesome. Shino and I plan to get together to watch horror movies and scare the crap outta me. I think we're planning on a bunch of Takashi Miike (since I've seen like none of his stuff, but have wanted to for a while), the original Texas Chainsaw Masacre (no idea why I agreed to that...), IT (which will keep me incredibly paranoid and terrified of my shower drain), and some classic horror provided by me (yay! Bela will make it better!). There might be more that I'm forgetting, but still, we've got a huge list of movies to watch, and no school, so I really don't wanna be sick and have to miss it.

I've been writing this to avoid a large assignment that is due by midnight, so now I will go return to working on that.

Cujo, out.

I'm exhausted. I have been for days. But, I have no idea why! I've been getting like 6 hours of sleep every night, which for me is normal to good, and I've only been staying up late for homework! Ah! This is so frustrating!! I shouldn't be passing out right now, but I am! Plus, we don't really have any caffiene at my house any more, so I can't just go grab some of that once I get home...

At least my Chinese Arts and Culture class is easy and interesting... Two assignments per week, no deadlines until Sunday night, I like it! Plus it gives me a good excuse for being in the library on the computer...